there was a moment last winter where i realized
that i no longer enjoyed
the music in my life

that the magic was gone
and the joy with it too
i laid in my bed
i had no clue what to do

all the feelings, thoughts, and fears
built up over the last 3 years
are magnified, intensified
and they become dead weight

they sink down from my brain
down my throat, through my chest
now i am tired
oh i am tired


i went to the beach in december 2017
i went to record the waves crash and revive some part of me
i drove the whole morning to reach the coast
listening to talk talk, anco, and the microphones

the mountains and the freeways coalesced into one
i was alone and content and happy to be alive
my anxiety washed away in the incessancy of the waves
i felt my feet on the earth from a trillion miles away

i saw a mom and her children playing in the surf
and an older couple waking methodically on the sand
i took field recordings of the beach
and did a few vocal takes

i found a sacred place in the trees
the sun shone through the leaves
i stood there and prayed, which i rarely can ever do
peace...

on the way back home, I stopped to see my friends
everyone was there, for the first time in a while
there's cosmic purity in the way our times collides
and we group hugged inside the grocery store
peace...

The next day i went home to my mom, dad, and dog
and we went to eastern washington to silent hills and planes
there's cosmic purity in the way our time collides
and peace in the cold air over lake roosevelt


i hold these thoughts and experiences in my head
i cannot reconcile the fact that they'll be gone when im dead
i cannot reconcile the fact that my life ends someday
that this flow of thoughts and actions is fleeting, receding

in the great purposelessness, we all float on our own
we struggle to define ourselves, to carve something out
and make our time worthwhile
what little of it we have

and i lay awake in bed
breathing slow, deep, and tired
and i yearn for some answer from above
oh from the sky
oh i am tired


if death is truly the end of everything that we know
and we're floating on a rock in the middle of the great unknown
tossed into endless cycles of birth, life, and death
thrown into the blankness with our first breath

wiped into the nothing by the largeness of space
and the constant flow of time

then our lives truly lack meaning in the face of cosmic silence
and we are so alone
and we can yell as loud as we can

writing songs, making art
raising kids, working hard
building love and friendships

using numbers and reason to unlock the laws that exist
underneath our whole world
but the noise will dissipate

and i suppose that leaves me free to determine my own life
to project meaning where there is none and purpose where it's blank
so my small flash of life might seem bright in my mind
and i can feel peace when i wake up in the morning, to the nothing

and i look through the ceiling
at the sky overhead
and i wonder


is there a place in the sky
that we can call our home
where we go when we die
where we won't be alone
where our family, friends, and our childhood dogs
will be waiting for us to join in their fog

and we'll descend to the earth
and collect over lakes
blow out to the ocean
where the waves softly break
we'll condense into water and drop in the sea
rippling through time, on the waves, eternal? peace

and we'll evaporate to air
and ascend to the sky
blow through the mountains
and the valleys dark and wide
and we'll see every inch of what this earth has to bare
rippling through time on the sea, on the air

so i long to stand in the mountains
and feel air roll over me
and be reminded that im a log adrift in a mighty sea
and in the face of impermanence im reminded that i exist
that i float through this world like a sparrow in the mist

that my wings can take me anywhere within this bank of fog
that my wings define my time before i join the endless fog

pacific air
engulf me
pacific sky
consume me
pacific air
reduce me
pacific sky
release me

so i fly
through the fog
and i search
for a home
in this space